How I dug my own grave
Not everyone in this world is destined to be a hero. Our destiny is being written in various ways where someone gets to play the role of a protagonist and others antagonist. Unfortunately, I was the antagonist in my story, so people remember me for only the awful things which I have done in my life; however, the sad part is I was not the only person who had to pay the price.
I completed my Master’s degree in 1981 from a reputed institution in Bangalore. Immediately after that, I got a high-paid job which I was not anticipating. Life was great! My parents wanted me to get married so I started my family life. After a few years, we were blessed with our first child. My life was full of happiness, where everything seemed so perfect at that point.
Things started changing when I indulged myself in the world of intoxication. I began drinking occasionally but, with time it kept on increasing. For surprising reasons, my priority was my fellow mates with whom I was doing heavy drinking and gambling rather than my family.
Maybe you have heard this sort of story many times or in movies, you have watched such characters and here I have lived such a life.
My life was changing drastically, I could feel that, despite being unable to put myself back on track. My anger was going out of control as well as my concentration too. I often used to be rude to my family members due to my drunken state of mind. I lost a hell lot of money in gambling. Soon after that, I had to repay the amount thus getting more into gambling and ended up losing the last penny I had. At that point, I almost sold every asset I had and left with nothing.
I was going through a great deal of turmoil as my family members had come to know about my drinking and gambling. My job was gone, my wife left me and my parents left me too. I did not have the face to attend their funerals and last rites. In just 2–3 years my life took an unprecedented turn, the whole world went upside down. Because of my behavior and ill-temper, I could not manage any decent jobs and got kicked out of my house, could not even manage to collect my documents and papers or just did not bother that time.
I started working as a daily wager here and there yet could not continue long enough. My tendency was to get into brawls easily, and if I did not get my alcohol I could kill anyone. By that time, I was a drunk person with no dignity and self-respect. Even now.
These days, my days are passing by simply doing nothing,if I am fortunate enough, then I get something to eat and roam around like a nomad. I contemplate what a wonderful life I have wasted. I sigh and sigh, having no idea about my familys’ whereabouts; however, I want to meet them once to apologize for whatever they had to face because of me . I do not expect their forgiveness. How they would, where I can not forget myself. I have ruined my life on my own but what burns me from inside is that I had become a slave just to a substance and could not come out of it.
So this is the point I have come to these days where every second, every minute I crave death; this would be poetic justice. How I wish I could go back to the past and undo everything.
Anyway, my last days will probably be spent like this and I will finally die soon with resentment and agony for my deeds. Which makes me think that no one will be there bidding me farewell and I will leave the world alone with a heavy heart full of hatred for no one but myself.
fabled and captured by: Shubhro Sinha.
